Little girl in a big girl apartment

So, I had found my new big gal apartment, everything should have gone smoothly from there... right?  Not exactly.  I had to cut the metaphorical umbilical cord.  My mother and I have an odd relationship.  I've always thought that we were close, but then I take think on it, and there are some unspoken boundaries.  She has all these wonderful hopes and dreams for me.  She believes in me more than anyone else.  I have always felt the pressure of those hopes and dreams though, they seem to be a giant weight that I carry with me.  Whether it's competing with my brothers or just trying to compete with myself, I always wanted to please my mother.

In the times that I knew I may disappoint her, I had a tendency to omit details.  Instead of sharing and comfortably discussing the disappointments and joys of life, I avoided.  I joke that my mother and I have a policy similar to the recently revoked, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  I know she loves me something fierce and that makes it all the more difficult to disappoint.

When I found my new apartment, I knew I'd be disappointing my mother.  When I lived at home, my mom and I were great company for each other.  My parents are happily married, but friends I am not so certain of. With me around, my mom had a built in friend, she had company, someone to talk to, and I had someone to always rely upon.  But, it was time for me to move out.  I did not handle the decision like the big gal I wanted to be in my new apartment.  I sprang things on her at the last minute and I avoided sharing details.  Naturally, like any awkward breakup, her feelings were hurt, she lashed out passive aggressively and we continued the dance of avoidance.  My reaction to her hurt feelings was to become upset with the injustices of her reactions and to lash out right back.  I kept feeling justified in my actions believing that I was it was appropriate for a 30 year old to move out of her parents house.  I excused my bad behavior with pathetic and poor logic.  But, alas, I did it.  I packed up the uhaul and drove myself to my big girl apartment feeling inappropriately justified in my poor behavior.  I had achieved independence, but at what cost?  This was no way to be a big girl.

Once at my apartment, it took us several weeks to heal our deep wounds and find our way back to each other.  There was no overt apologies, but I knew she had forgiven me as only a mother could forgive her child.  My mother's and my relationship may never be perfect, but I am trying to be a big girl.  I am trying to realize that if I want an honest and real relationship with her I have to allow her the chance to be disappointed in me, or else she doesn't know know who I am.  I'd like for my mother to know and love the real me, flaws and all.  

Project Memories

This morning on my way to work I heard an interesting story on NPR.  I will stop here and readily admit that I listen to NPR.  I find it informative and interesting, that is my official position.  I also like people talking to me while I drive.  Anyway, back to the story, it was all about memories.  How we tend to have what the experts call 'childhood amnesia'.  It led me to start thinking about my memories or my lack of them.  I have a  terrible memory, not sure why that is, but I can only imagine that this memory is only going to get worse.

So, instead of gifts for my 30th birthday, I'd like to request memories.  Yes, I am selfishly asking for these memories or stories to be about me, it is my birthday people.  Tell me your favorite memory, or even just a really good one with me.  This may seem like a daunting task, but you have about 5 months at this point.  Get cracking people!

I highly recommend listening to the story and source of this inspiration... http://www.wbez.org/blog/clever-apes/2011-12-13/clever-apes-23-first-memories-94877

My very old and outdated list!

When I was 25 and just getting over a break up, my friend and I each wrote lists of 100 qualities we would like to have in our future mates.  The list is provided below.  It is definitely good for a few laughs.  Almost like looking at an old journal entry. Many of the criteria were written in direct response to the relationship I was just getting out of, but some of them just reflect my personality.  Lots of my criteria have changed as I have grown into myself and my values grown and changed too, but many have stayed the same as the core of me remained steadfast!  Enjoy!

1 Good Communicator
2 Gets along with his family
3 Gets along with my family
4 Taller than me ~ at least 5"10
5 Gets along with my friends ~ enjoys spending time with my friends
6 Not arrogant, but still confident, a little cocky
7 Treats me princess that I am
8 NOT a momma's boy
9 Athletic ~ but not obsessed with how his body looks or working out
10 Competitive
11 Not a vegetarian ~ has to love a good juicy steak
12 Drinks alchol, but not an alcholic, ~ MUST have a higher tolerance that I have
13 Not skinny and awkward ~ must have some meat on his bones
14 Catholic ~ Church = not neccesarily every weekend, but willing
15 Good with kids, enjoys spending time with them
16 Sympathetic to others in need ~ to a degree
17 NOT obssesive compulsive
18 Tidy and willing to clean ~ can put up with my disorganization
19 FANTASTIC kisser, and what other talents are neccessary for pleasure
20 Sense of humor ~ has to be able to make me laugh
21 Enjoys the outdoors
22 Willing to try new things ~ ie food, activities, movies
23 Reads books ~ well read but not too well read
24 Smart ~ not too smart
25 Good story teller
26 Is passionate about something ~ or is extraordinarily talented in something
27 Does not need to be touching me all the time ~ not a cuddler
28 Must have an independent life from me ~ goes out w/o me and have separate friends
29 Laid back, flexible
30 Good traveler, wants to travel, likes to travel
31 Able to cook ~ self sufficient in the kitchen
32 NO temper
33 Likes card games ~ ie poker
34 Likes more than one type of music ~ not just a metallica head
35 Loves beer and football as much as I do
36 Dark hair
37 NO BACK HAIR
38 If losing hair must do it gracefully
39 Willing to comprise during an argument
40 No facial hair ~ or willing to shave for me
41 9 to 5 worker
42 Never been married ~ or engaged (clause could be reconsidered)
43 ABSOLUTELY NO illegitimate children
44 Handy with tools
45 Knows how to spend and when to save ~ able to convince me to upgrade
46 College Degree
47 Likes pizza
48 Has a well muscled back ~ shoulders
49 Knows how to dress appropriately and when to do so
50 Doesn't always talk about himself
51 Hair MUST be shorter than mine
52 Doesn't ride a motorcycle
53 Not afraid of heights
54 Doesn't have girly hands
55 Patience, Patience, Patience
56 Has to SMELL good ~ willing to wear cologne sometimes
57 Does not expect me to fall into the typical female roles, ie cook, clean, bear his children, stay at home with them, etc.
58 Not a tree hugger
59 Profiecient with a computer
60 Has to be some Irish
61 Has to be able to romance me ~ not too much where I want to throw up though
62 CANNOT make fun of my family ~ the Czuba family unless I do first
63 Must be supportive of my hopes, dreams, ambitions, and any lame thoughts that I may have
64 Must be able to tell me I am beautiful when I need to hear it, sometimes even when I don't
65 Has to be able to laugh at REALLY REALLY stupid shit sometimes
66 Overall cheerful person
67 No glasses ~ if bad eyes WEAR contacts sometimes
68 MUST never EVER buy me carnations
69 Has to be ambitious in career ~ but too much so that he forgets about me
70 Has to desire more out of life that what is right at the moment~ cannot be too content
71 Cannot be domineering or controlling
72 Has to be able to share the lime light with me 
73 NON SMOKER
74 NO BACKNE
75 No pot marked face
76 Is nice to old people
77 Doesn't have food allergies, ie peanuts
78 Able to be playful and silly, ie wrestle without the thoughts of getting naked
79 Can put up with my quirks and maybe thinks that they are funny a little bit (tolerence very important)
80 NOT perky in the morning, if he is MUST be able to leave me alone
81 Has a good set of teeth ~ cares about oral hygeine and brushes often, no smelly breath
83 Does not have an incomprehensible accent
84  ....

When I wrote this, I typed it up in yahoo notepad.  Apparently I didn't finish typing it.  I know know know that I had 100 criteria.

Apt hunting = Online dating

In October I was only casually looking for apartments.  I had promised myself that I wouldn't take any action impulsively.  I vowed that the place I would move into would have to fit all of my criteria, price range, space, light, location etc.  I went to see a couple of places that seemed to good to be true, and there's a reason why that is a saying, it was because they all were.  The first one I looked at was in the perfect location, it was at the bottom of my price range. The pictures made it look quaint, but like a clever personal ad, the pictures were taken from only the good angles and air brushed.  The apartment appeared to have been designed for a troll and I am not talking about aesthetics here, I mean height and size.  The doorways were only about 3feet wide and 5 ft 10 inches tall.  The bedroom would have fit a cot and the kitchen would have caused me to loose weight because I would not have even been able to open the fridge.  I would hesitate to call it hobbit like because I really liked to Lord of the Rings and wouldn't want to insult the poor hobbits.  I was incredibly disappointed. 

The next place that I checked out also looked really great on paper.  It again was in my price range and it had really great pictures, though I had become cynical enough by now not to necessarily believe them.  At least this time I could see what I was getting into.  So I took a chance, I started to get really excited again.  I started mentally planning my decor.  I emailed all my friends about this place.  The anticipation was almost more than I could handle.  When I arrived at the building, I waited for the agent with whom I had spoken to several times.  I waited, and waited and waited and waited.  Did I have the day wrong?  Was I at the wrong address?  After waiting a half hour, I spoke with the agent who had forgotten to call me and cancel our appointment because she had just found a tennant.  I was not only being stood up, but I was being rejected by someone who had never met me for another person.  Ouch. 

Now as a seasoned online dater, I can tell you that this  cycle of emotions beginning with seeds of excitement, anticipation, anxiety, excitement again, and the finally disappointment is very like that of the emotional roller coaster one experiences with online dating.  Once I made that realization my whole approach to apartment hunting changed.  Like online dating, I began to just approach like it never hurts to just look! 
I found another apartment, this one didn't have any pictures and it was a little bit farther north than I would have preferred, but since it never hurts to look, I figured why not?!  I scheduled the appointment later that week and didn't just cancel all my plans to check it out as I had several of the others.  The day of the viewing I was Switzerland neutral, I was calm cool and collected, I hadn't allowed myself to be duped into becoming emotionally attached. 

When I walked in it was a bit of a mess, boxes everywhere, the slightly naseating smell of cat pee in the air, but sunlight drenching the small cozy room.  It had a cute little kitchen, with DVDs stacked on the wire cabinet.  The adorable dining nook had bunk beds in it for the previous tennants two small children.  Somewhere in the apartment a cat was loose feeding on the leftover garbage, scratching the vintage pine wood floors.  It was oozing with potential, it just needed a female touch, and buckets and buckets of pine sol.  It felt like meeting a man with the perfect smile and sense of humor who hadn't gotten a hair cut or been shopping since the early 2000's and thought that cargo pants and floppy hair were still in... ouch.  A bit of work, but great potential.  I applied immediately!